I don't know how to explain this exactly, but I feel like I don't belong. Here, I mean. I feel like I am not a part of what is happening now. As if I were exterior to "reality", or as if I were, indeed, not a part of this. I'm sure it sounds strange, but I don't know how I could explain it more clearly. I feel to be "getting lost" inside myself and therefore, losing myself. Like I could actually escape from myself. I feel I am something different than everything else around me. I feel like an outsider.
And when I look to what surrounds me, I cannot understand what is it that actually surrounds me. I cannot feel it or even conceive it. It all seems strange, it all seems.. unreal.
I look myself in the mirror and try to figure out if what I am seeing is what I understand to be myself. I touch my reflection on the cold glass in a pathetic attempt to reach and maybe grasp myself. When the tip of my fingers feel the glass, I look at it, at that point where glass and finger meet and see that it does not feel like I am the one touching the glass. It feels like I am watching myself do it, like I'm seeing my life in third-person. And as I stop to think about this, this third-person perception of life and of myself, I come to realize that my thoughts too, are external to what I understand as myself. They do not feel like my own thoughts, but rather like thoughts of another person, which I can "listen". They are in my head, but almost like an implant.
What I can see now is myself looking at whatever, because my vision, too - and my senses - feel as being mere implants of someone else's sight.
I can't explain it very clearly, because the feeling of not being myself has come under the influence of itself, making the feeling feel not like someone else's, but another third-person view of my old third-person perception. I am re-creating myself more externally with each depersonalization that I suffer and am now no longer what I don't understand to be myself or what I do understand; I am now thought only, having strived too far from my original self.
Therefore, I am only the result of one's being, and no longer a being. I am dependent of this other being, who is actually myself, from which I have derived so far. Nevertheless, no matter how far I have gone from the actual myself which I think to exist, in order to still exist in thought, or at least to think I exist in thought, I must exist somehow, but still having come from myself. If this is true, than I am the myself which I believe to once have been and am actually not far from that self, but just myself.